'I'm leaving,' I wanted to say, 'because I can't work with a middle aged,
misogynistic office boy, stuck in the vernacular of a bad 1970s sitcom.'
Or...to point and sing loudly from across the room:
'You're a dick and you know you are....'
'Fuck off you cunt.....'
Or.....turn away and quietly say:
'Manners cost nothing....and maketh man.'
Or....stand in front of him and everyone else, look him in the eye and say:
'How dare you wave your finger at me and say 'later'. Later? I'm working
my arse off to sort out a mess that should never have happened if you'd
given me this information 6 months ago. And you can't answer one
question. I'm trying to save your skin here. You're not my boss. I don't
even know what it is you do. No one knows what it is you do. What
exactly is it Richard does, we ask each other. You're the office joke you
paunching, balding, sad-sack of a man.'
But I didn't. I went for a walk. I
walked around John Lewis seeking solace. I went into the basement and
bought Soba noodles and coconut creme and Cannellini beans even
though I didn't need them. And a bar of dark, dark chocolate covered
marzipan even though I wasn't hungry. I didn't smoke a cigarette. I did call
friends on my mobile phone and say all the things I hadn't actually said to
Richard-the-fuckwit. And I felt really, really pissed off. And I wanted to
quit the job and cause a huge problem at a very tricky time for which he
would be blamed. So he would lose his job because I already know he's a
bit of a dead man walking. And I know he knows he is. And for a man in
his 40s with a young family, who was made redundant last year, this is a
chance he can't afford to fuck up. And he already has. So I went back to
work and he said he was ready to answer my question. And I looked at the
paunching, balding, sad-sack of a man and I felt sorry for him. Because his
wife gives him pitta bread and humus for lunch. Every single day. And this is his
I think I need to work somewhere else. Suggestions on a postcard please…..
Will work for money.
Top tip: as the Buddha would say, ‘you will not be punished for your anger,
You will be punished by your anger…..’